How the Grinch Stole Metsmas

Every Fan
Down in Met-ville
Liked Metmas a lot…

But the Grinch,
Who lived just North of Mets-ville,
Did NOT!

The Grinch hated Metmas! The whole Metmas season!
Now, please don’t ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be that his head wasn’t screwed on quite right.
It could be, perhaps, that shoes were too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his wallet was two sizes too small.

Whatever the reason,
His heart or his wallets,
He stood there on Metmas Eve, hating the Mets,
Staring down from his mansion with a sour, Grinchy frown
At the blue/orange neon windows below in their town.
For he knew every fan down in Mets-ville beneath
Was busy now, hanging a Metsleoe wreath.

“And they’re hanging blue stockings!” he snarled with a sneer.
“Tomorrow is Metmas! It’s practically here!”
Then he growled, with his grinch fingers nervously drumming,
“I MUST find a way to keep Metmas from coming!”
For, tomorrow, he knew…

…All the Mets girls and boys
Would wake up bright and early. They’d rush for their toys!
And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!
That’s one thing he hated! The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!

Then the fans, young and old, would sit down to a feast.
And they’d feast! And they’d feast!
They would start on Shake Shack-pudding, and rare Keith Grill-roast-beast
Which was something the Grinch couldn’t stand in the least!

They’d do something he liked least of all!
Every Fan down in Mets-ville, the tall and the small,
Would stand close together, with Metmas cowbells ringing.
They’d stand hand-in-hand. And the Metmas would start singing!

Meet the Mets! They’d sing!

Meet the Mets! And they’d sing!
And the more the Grinch thought of the cost of the new toys

He knew he couldnt afford new players or batboys.

The more the Grinch thought, “I must stop the 2014 season!
“Why for forty-three years I’ve put up with it now!
I MUST stop Metmas from coming!
…But HOW?”

Then he got an idea!
An awful idea!

“I know just what to do!” The Grinch Laughed in his throat.
And he made a quick Sandy Claus hat and a coat.
And he chuckled, and clucked, “What a great Grinchy trick!
“With this coat and this hat, I’ll look just like that d*ck!”

“All I need is a reindeer…”
The Grinch looked around.
But since reindeer are scarce, there was none to be found.
Did that stop the old Grinch…?
No! The Grinch simply said,
“If I can’t find a reindeer, I’ll make one instead!”
So he called son Jeff. Then he took some red thread
And he tied a big horn on top of his head.

He loaded some bags
And some empty sacks without fun
On a ramshakle sleigh
And he hitched up young Jeffy Wilpon.

Then the Grinch said, “Giddyap!”
And the sleigh started down
Toward the homes where the Fans
Lay a-snooze in their town.

All their windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the air.
All the Fans were all dreaming of pennants without care
When he came to the first house in the square.
“This is stop number one,” The old Grinchy Claus hissed
And he climbed to the roof, empty bags in his fist.

Then he slid down the chimney. A rather tight pinch.
But if Sandy could do it, then so could the Grinch.
He got stuck only once, for a moment or two.
Then he stuck his head out of the fireplace flue
Where the little Fan stockings all hung in a row.
“These stockings,” he grinned, “are the first things to go!”

Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant,
Around the whole room, and he took every present!
Short Stops! And closers! First basemans! Starting Pitchers!
“There’ll be no players yet, they’ll all be in tithers!”
And he stuffed them in bags. Then the Grinch, very nimbly,
Stuffed all the bags, one by one, up the chimney!

Then he slunk to the icebox. He took the Fans’ feast!
He took the Shake Shack-pudding! He took Keith’s roast beast!
He cleaned out that icebox as quick as a flash.
Why, that Grinch even pinch their last can of Mets-cash!

Then he stuffed all the food up the chimney with glee.
“And NOW!” grinned the Grinch, “I will stuff up Dillon Gee!”

And the Grinch grabbed Dillon Gee, and he started to shove
When he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.
He turned around fast, and he saw a small Fan!
Little Cindy-Mets Fan, who was not more than Eleven.

The Grinch had been caught by this little Fan daughter
Who’d got out of bed for a cup of cold water.
She stared at the Grinch and said, “Sandy Claus, why,
“Why are you taking our Metmas tree? WHY?”

But, you know, that old Grinch was so smart and so slick
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
“Why, my sweet little tot,” the fake Sandy Claus lied,
“There’s a nick on this Gee shoulder that won’t strike out the side.
“So I’m taking it home to my trainer, my dear.
“Ray Ramirez has a boot there. He’ll put it on his shoulder, I fear.”

And his fib fooled the child. Then he patted her head
And he got her a drink and he sent he to bed.
And when Cindy-Mets Fan went to bed with her cup,
HE went to the chimney and stuffed Dillon Gee up!

Then the last thing he took
Was a bobblehead of Duffy Dyer.
Then he went up the chimney himself, the old liar.
On their walls he left nothing but hooks, and some wire.

And the one speck of the team

The he left in the house
Was Anthony Recker, salary too small to grouse.

He did the same thing
To the other Fans’ homes

Leaving nothing
to root with
Not even a finger-foam

It was quarter past dawn…
All the Fans, still a-bed
All the Fanss, still a-snooze
When he packed up his sled,
Packed it up with their presents! The players! The traditions!
The pins! And the programs! The history! Curtis Grandersons!

Three thousand feet up! Up the side of Mount Flushing,
He rode to the tiptop to destroy everything!
“Pooh-pooh to the Fans!” he was grinch-ish-ly humming.
“They’re finding out now that no Metmas is coming!
“They’re just waking up! I know just what they’ll do!
“Their mouths will hang open a minute or two
“Then all the Fans down in Mets-ville will all cry BOO-HOO!”

“That’s a noise,” grinned the Grinch,
“That I simply must hear!”
So he paused. And the Grinch put a hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.
It started in low. Then it started to grow…

But the sound wasn’t sad!
Why, this sound sounded merry!
It couldn’t be so!
But it WAS merry! VERY!

He stared down at Mets-ville!
The Grinch popped his eyes!
Then he shook!
What he saw was a shocking surprise!

Every Fan down in Mets-ville, the tall and the small,
Was singing! Without any presents at all!
He HADN’T stopped Metmas from coming!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!

And the Grinch, with his grinch-feet ice-cold in the snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: “How could it be so?
It came without players! It came without price tags!
“It came without press conferences, hope or new rags!”
And he puzzled three hours, `till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn’t before!
“Maybe Metmas,” he thought, “doesn’t come from an offseason.
“Maybe Metmas…perhaps…has a whole ‘nother reason!”

And what happened then…?
Well…in Mets-ville they say
That the Grinch’s small heart
Grew three sizes that day!
And the minute his heart didn’t feel quite so tight,
He THREW the load through the bright morning light
It crashes and burned all Metsmas things Fans desire
And for some odd reason, there’s always one rolling burning tire
The Grinch was gleeful at the sound of the singing
“Whatever I do, the Fans will keep coming!”
“Why bother going above the absolute bare
when they’ll keep coming, they have too much care.
No matter how weak I make Metsmas or team
They love it too much, it’s so obscene.
I’ll keep all the presents, the money, and ignore the noise
and the rest I’ll burn, or give to Jeffy as chew toys.”

Merry Metsmas, the Grinch exclaimed
& every Fan in Mets-ville was shamed
For they knew they were stuck with a nasty old Grinch
whose money was tight, whose wallet was pinched
Yet no one could stop his evil reign,
or deny he was damaging Sandy Clause good name.
They just had to hope 1 day will be changed.
Where the ownership of team would be rearranged
Until then they hope, as good Fans do
That despite Grinch’s effort the team will win through
On this festive the only reprieve
is that you never know, Ya Gotta Believe.

Posted by Robert Z

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